The Blended Family – “It’s Just Not Fair!”

The Blended Family – “It’s Just Not Fair!”

MY WIFE IS A STEP-PARENT so I asked her, “What’s one thing you’ve learned about being in a blended family?” (Actually, I asked her for more, wanting to make a list of three or five ideas, but I’m grateful to have one.)

My wife came up with this one:

You know what, it’s just not fair. It’s not fair on the kids, the step-parent, or the parent of the kids. It’s not fair on anyone. The step-parent and the parent of the children made a choice (which may not, in reflection, have been wise), but the children had no such luxury. Remember that you made a choice; I did. Perhaps we didn’t fully comprehend that choice, but we made it and we need to honour it, and that means we need to acknowledge that it is sometimes unfair – but we need to know that it’s unfair on everyone.

Having lived with my wife for seven years, with and without the children, I have to agree with her. There have been times when I thought, “This just isn’t fair!” But as I explored the issues – usually from three sides, looking at each unique person’s viewpoint – and, almost without exception, there was significant level of unfairness for everyone.

For me, as husband and father, I was torn between my loyalties. I knew my wife deserved number one loyalty, but I also felt sorry for my children because they weren’t always considered how I felt they should have been. I often felt like the meat in the sandwich.

For my wife, as step-parent and spouse, it was often impossible, because there was a clash of values, and what she saw as a lack of respect, which exasperated her. She was often livid because she felt misunderstood and disempowered.

For my children, as young people growing up the best way they could, they would often feel misunderstood and disempowered. This, too, was frustrating.

***

All members of the family need to feel there is some process or structure for justice in the home. This is about roles and respect. Parents and step-parents have a role to manage the home and the parameters of the household. They need to be respected, but they also need to ensure they respect the children.

The best parents respect children such that children learn first-hand how to respect the parents.

The parents have the work to do to create a just family culture through respect. When respect is given it is ultimately returned. As parents, we need to persevere.

***

Blended family situations aren’t fair on anyone, but the key is to see the unfairness from the other’s viewpoints. Then we are readier to deal respectfully.

© 2014 S. J. Wickham.

Related Posts

flavor fragrance dapietro corner archie and kirk senova vancouver quayside emporium restaurant tante jeanne aficionado profesional es media group klimat lounge kallitheafc lauren ralphs outlet uk ralph lauren uk feirao da caixa yahoo molot guns michael kors discount kazbar clapham fromagerie maitre corbeau ol0 info brnensky orloj ex card info binyu bishiri knsa tumreeva auto accessori stay hard longer shadow seekers Kapelleveld Garden City albanian conference interpreter the day shall come film ice diving inn at lathones uk bufc supporters clube resto ware house uk the winchester royal hotel pizcadepapel burbs bags uk avenue fitness ayo jalan jajan festival antes herb trimpe levesque for congress Odessa Realt sheila ferrari shop viktor viktoria corner house gallery uk lagfe dkls signature homes conanexiles data base ut real estate top windows 7 themes show dogs express uk citi cards login automotive financial reports log house at sweet trees spares 4 cars badagry motor world pcm small business network pipers notes tera groupe drop ads thames river adventures uk riding bitch blog cars 2 day news festival music week daily online texas public studio paid apps 4 free san francisco sports bar helm engine 12th planet 2012 123 gt michael kors outlet clearance faltronsoft gegaruch bee info palermo bugs destinos exotico auto travel indure msugcf fonderie roubaix sunny side newyork style eat foto concurso in mujer maternity observer city room escape comic adze hellenes online hub thai nyc points de vue alternatifs Software Design Website service masjid al akbar purple haze rock bar sirinler cocuk pb slices sneakers rules nato group energy fitness gyms full court sports studio formz knowledge base ph wp kraken tenzing foundation ggdb outlet usa dental health reference bengkel website potlatch poetry app matchers zac mayo for house day by day onlines data macau nike trainers uk zoom news info rercali Satori Web & Graphic Design baby moms club find swimming pool builders tx ralph lauren clearance uk health shop 24x7 health leader ship school trips plus lawyer uk the world of babies puppy love pets british car ways glyde house travel scotland news health full life criminal defense vermont hertfordshire crossroads-south vader sports uk gentle dental harrow elegant international michael kors outlet kors burberry bags uk